As Donald Trump might say, if the following modest proposals are not true, they should be true, and that is all that matters.
1. Restore the geocentric theory of the universe. For centuries since Copernicus, the heliocentric theory has been victorious and the planet earth has been a loser. My first act as president will be to issue an executive order that ends Copernicus’ winning streak in favor of Ptolemy.
2. Ordain that pi be 3 in the calculation of a circumference of a circle according to the formula C = 2 x radius x pi in order to improve the geometry scores of our students. After being tossed from heaven, Lucifer made pi 3.141592 … to make us geometry losers.
3. Repeal Newton’s Three Laws of Motion. They are preventing America from becoming great through the invention of a perpetual motion machine.
4. Repeal due process of law and the Great Writ of Habeas Corpus. They are permitting hundreds of millions of the not-yet-guilty to remain at large when they should be in concentration camps like 120,000 innocent Japanese Americans in World War II.
5. Burn all books except The Art of the Deal. They are distracting Americans from full time worship of Donald Trump. He is a jealous God.
6. Revoke the Convention Against Torture to permit use of the rack-and- screw against suspected international terrorists. Torture works. Galileo never would have renounced Copernicus in favor of Ptolemy if he were not threatened with torture. And torture originated to induce false confessions. The most dangerous people on the planet are persons who have falsely confessed to terrorism.
7. Initiate war against Tyrannosaurus rex. Some pundits speculate that dinosaurs became extinct 65 million years ago. But Mr. Trump is convinced he saw a Tyrannosaurus rex in New Jersey jumping up and down and cheering on television after the 9/11 terrorist murders. Moreover, Mr. Trump collected classified intelligence from a second cousin of Tyrannosaurus rex, Allasauris fragilis, at the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky, that proves the number of letters in the former is 16, which fits the profile of an international terrorist perfectly.
8. Ban the teaching of Darwin’s theory of evolution. Darwin made us losers by insisting we are descendants from apes in lieu of creatures made from angels with exclusively benevolent DNA.
9. Ask Russian President Vladimir Putin for advice on strategies for doping our Olympic athletes but avoiding detection to capture record numbers of American gold medals.
10. Invite Leni Riefenstahl to produce a new version of Triumph of the Will but featuring Donald Trump in lieu of Adolf Hitler, Rudolph Hess, and Julius Streicher.
11. Murder the families of suspected international terrorists. America uber alles. America comes first. We are God’s chosen people. We are the master race. American lives are worth more than the lives of others. Don’t be led astray by the indelible photos of the naked young Vietnamese girl screaming while napalm scorched her skin, and the drowned Syrian toddler washed up on the beach. It is far better to exterminate the non-chosen people than to risk danger to ourselves.
12. Make Arabs turn into Canadians by killing the recalcitrant with bombs and predator drones.
13. Replace George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Theodore Roosevelt with Donald Trump on Mount Rushmore.
14. Repeal the First Amendment’s protection of freedom of speech, press, and religion, and the Article VI prohibition on any religious test oath as a condition of serving in public office.
15. Outlaw Auguste Rodin’s The Thinker.
16. Award Kim Kardashian the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
A vote for Donald Trump is a vote for….?